I'm Gay, I Swear!
by they'recomingtotakemeaway
Summary: Reid suddenly realizes he's gay, but frankly, the rest of the team doesn't believe him! He will do anything to convince them, especially Morgan -the object of his affections- that he's gay. Even go to strip clubs, lingerie shopping, and so much more!
1. Coming Out of the Painted Pink Closet

**A/N: Woot, my first story! I hope this comes off as I want it to. My goal is to contribute as much laughter to this world as possible. I hope this is actually funny instead of just stupid and offensive. I would love to know your opinions.**

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It wasn't until one day when Reid was thinking about various things he would do to Morgan in bed (most of which involved whipped cream, and all of which involved nudity and lotion) that Reid stopped to think, "I'm gay!"

This thought surprised him so much that he actually said it out loud. "Hey, guys. I just realized that I'm gay!"

He was sitting at his office at the BAU. His comment was directed at Morgan and Prentiss, who were doing paperwork; and JJ and Garcia who were sitting on Reid's desk attempting to braid his hair, much to his protests.

Garcia laughed. "You're not gay! Now sit still and let me braid your hair!"

Gideon came running out of his office at top speed. "Did Reid just say he's gay?"

Everyone nodded their heads.

"There's something I've wanted to do for a long time," Gideon said, getting down on one knee. "Spencer Reid, will you marry me?"

Reid considered. Gideon was very sexy, and probably pretty experienced. He wasn't Morgan, but something about old men was just _so _appealing to Reid.

"Will you buy me a new car?"

"Of course."

"Will you buy us a house and let me paint it pink?"

Gideon paused. "If that's what you want..." He didn't like the idea of pink. He wanted the house to be entirely covered in sequins.

Reid thought about all the things he wanted. "A vibrating massage chair?"

"Umm... sure?"

At this point, Reid was almost convinced. "One last question. Can we have naked parties and invite the entire BAU?"

Gideon looked away, tears starting to form in his eyes. "I... I can't do that for you, Spencer..."

"Then I can't marry you," Reid said, as calmly as if Gideon had just asked him if he wanted a ham sandwich instead of proposing.

Gideon promptly ran away crying. "I knew I wasn't good enough!"

"God, Spence. You expect people to believe you're gay and you won't even marry Gideon?" JJ asked.

"But..."

Prentiss nodded. "I mean seriously. If you were gay you would have jumped on the chance to marry a man who had never previously expressed any kind of sexual or romantic feelings for you that just so happens to be almost old enough to be your grandfather. I mean, it's not much, but it's not like you can do any better."

Reid hung his head down sadly. He was sure they were right. Maybe he should call Gideon after all...

"Reid, you're as straight as I am. Stop it with your cries for attention," Morgan said.

"_**BUT I'M GAY!**_" Reid yelled. Why wouldn't anyone believe him?

The four stared at him critically. "Maybe he's just confused." Garcia said.

At that point Hotch walked over. "We have a case. A serial killer who tortures his victims brutally and then burns them alive. The body count is over 30."

"Sir, with all due respect, I have to tell you that we have bigger problems here," JJ said.

"Reid _actually thinks_ that he's gay," Prentiss said bemused at the whole idea.

"Dear God! This has to be corrected. All of you go convince Reid that he's straight. No matter what it takes. And I mean _no matter what_." Hotch looked at JJ and Prentiss meaningfully. "As for the case… I've got this one!"

He wore his usual serious expression and removed his cut-away sport jacket revealing a superhero cape. "Gideon! Come fight crime with me!"

Gideon returned out of nowhere, now wearing a smile on his face. "Yessir!"

"So how can we convince Reid he's straight in the most embarrassing possible way?" Prentiss asked.

Garcia and JJ suddenly had evil smiles pondering all the evil things they would do to him.

"Oh, I know," Morgan said. "Why don't we take him to a strip club?"

The girls all nodded their heads in agreement.

"But Morgan, I don't want to go there! Girls are so icky! Don't let them touch me!" Reid said.

"It'll be fine. Trust me. I go to these places _all_ the time," Morgan said with shifty eyes, looking back and forth as if to see if anyone believed him.

"When I'm naked and alone at night I always think of you," Reid said meaningfully.

Morgan frowned. "That's weird. When I'm naked and sweaty in bed, I always think of _you_!"

Emily's jaw dropped. Reid moved a folder of paperwork to cover up his excitement at the thought of Morgan naked and sweaty. No one else seemed to register that it was an unusual thing to say.

"Alright! Let's go to a fucking strip club people!" JJ yelled in the middle of the FBI office at 10 am, indifferent to the stares she was getting.

"Let's do it!"

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**A/N: Silly boys, don't they know they should be the ones getting naked together instead of going to see gross female hookers getting naked? BTW, I would totally marry Reid and buy him a car, pink house, and vibrating massage chair. And we would hold naked BAU parties. Actually, that pretty much sounds like my ideal life. Am I right? Next chapter shall be the strip club. Please review, it helps me get motivated to update faster. I love reviews, the good, bad, and the ugly. I love to hear what people think! Thanks for reading! :)**


	2. The Seven Sweater Striptease

**A/N: Well, I think this chapter's funnier than the first. I seemed to have crossed over all kinds of lines of morality and decency, so frankly, I'm proud. Did I make JJ and Prentiss extra sexy in this to try and persuade you to go sign the petition against getting rid of AJ Cook and reducing Paget Brewster's role on the show? That I did. Or maybe they were just already this sexy. Seriously though, go sign the petition. For reals.**

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JJ went to go change before they headed over to the strip club. After all, she could hardly go in her professional looking suit. She emerged from the bathroom wearing a pink feather boa, slinky black top, overall shorts that were barely long enough to reach her legs, and six inch heels. When the others looked at her quizzically, she said, "Trust me, guys. This place I know of, it's the best. This is the perfect outfit."

Prentiss suddenly understood. She undid a few buttons on her blouse on put on blood red lipstick. "Better?"

JJ nodded. She surveyed Garcia. "Garcia, you're fine..." She was wearing a moderately showy dress along with fishnets, dark lipstick, and hooker boots. "Morgan and Reid... you're hopeless." JJ shook her head in shame at Morgan's t-shirt/black pants combo and Reid's dress shirt, tie, khaki pants, and several sweaters.

"Do you honestly think anyone cares what we wear to a strip club?" Reid asked.

"Well honestly Reid, do you really think people are going to tip big for you to take off the seven sweaters you're wearing? Dressing like my grandma is so not sexy," JJ said.

Morgan frowned. "We're stripping? I thought we were just going to watch. I mean how is Reid taking off his own clothes going to convince him he likes women?" (**A/N: Stupid Morgan should just shut up. Some of us would tip very big to see Reid take off his seven sweaters...)**

"Oh," JJ said, her eyes shifting back and forth. "I... misread the situation. Well anyway! Let's go watch some fucking strippers!"

JJ led the way with a fist in the air. Prentiss and Garcia slapped a high-five. Morgan smiled widely, but only when he thought someone was looking at him. Reid groaned. It was going to be a long day...

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Smooth jazz flooded the room, which smelled very much like scented candles and was filled with smoke.

"This is the place!" JJ said excitedly.

It seemed they were the only patrons (it was after all, noon on a Monday) but there were dancers everywhere wearing elaborate costumes. As soon as they sat down they were flooded with stripper attention.

"Hey, baby," One suspiciously male looking stripper in olden time lingerie said to Morgan. "Would you like to see me pole dance?"

"Sure!" Morgan said. As soon as the stripper ran away to go hump a pole (apparently with the intent of being erotic,) Morgan turned his attention to Reid. "So which one do you like, Pretty Boy?"

"None of them! Aren't you listening to me? I'm gay, I swear!" Reid yelled. Then his voice went all soft and seductive. "Why don't you dance for me, Hot Stuff?" But Morgan didn't seem to hear or care.

Prentiss was now smoking a cigarette slowly, with an expression of utter peace. She exhaled her smoke seductively around Reid's face. "Ah, I _love_ strip clubs..."

Garcia had ordered drinks and was watching with vague interest. JJ had joined the questionable stripper in a pole dance. She was admittedly, much better than the he/she.

The music switched from jazz to Lady Gaga's Bad Romance.

"I love Lady Gaga!" Reid said, excitedly. Finally something about his day was going right!

"You _would_, Reid," Garcia said.

"Are you calling me a gender confused stripper?" Reid asked, both genuinely angry and confused.

Garcia bit her lip. "...Yes. Yes, I am. Now go up there and remove your clothing like the good little girl... err... boy, you are."

"Anything to get away from this!" Reid said. By this he was referring to an attractive and topless woman that was dancing on his lap.

Reid jumped up on stage, singing and removing one sweater at a time. He had gotten to the fourth sweater when he jumped on Morgan's lap and started singing, "I want your love and I want your revenge. I want your love, I don't wanna be friends! Je veux ton amour et je veux ton revenge. Je veux ton amour, I don't want to be friends! I don't wanna be friends! **I DON'T WANNA BE FRIENDS**!"

Now he was down to a sweater vest and a cardigan. Morgan was thoroughly enjoying himself, but attributed his raging erection to the other female strippers, instead of the six feet of sexy genius wriggling on his lap. He was totally oblivious to the meaning in his friend's words.

Reid took his cardigan off. Then he awkwardly threw his sweater vest over his head. There was a heap of cotton nerd clothes on the ground around them. Garcia and Prentiss watched interestedly. Prentiss blew another puff of smoke and moaned in ecstasy.

Reid took off his tie and putting it around an enthralled Morgan's neck. He then proceeded to undo his shirt buttons tantalizingly slowly. Just when he had finished undoing them JJ ran over.

"Spence, that's all well and good that you're a fantastic stripper, but _seriously_. If you want to prove you're straight, you should spend less time in Morgan's lap and get dancing with the ladies!" JJ said.

"As you should recall, I have no desire to 'prove I am straight.' I am _not straight_. I like _men_. Boobs _disgust_ me. HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR?" Reid said.

JJ clapped her hands. "CHARLIE'S ANGELS! UNITE!" At this, Prentiss put her third cigarette out and popped up on the one side of JJ while Garcia dashed to the other. All three of them posed their sexiest, guns at the ready.

"Alright," JJ continued. "Our mission is this: Convince Spencer Reid that he is heterosexual. That's right; we have to make this boy believe he likes boobies. Angels, go!"

Apparently this meant JJ giving Reid a lap dance while undoing her overall buckles and Prentiss undoing even more buttons on her shirt and waving her boobs in his face. Meanwhile Garcia orchestrated the strippers to all dance around him while getting her bump and grind on.

Reid had to repress the urge to gag, with some difficulty.

Throughout all this Morgan stared at Reid with minimal blinking, looking for any signs that the nerd was enjoying himself. Instead Reid poked him in the stomach and whined. "I'm bored. Pay attention to me!"

"I don't think this is working," Garcia said.

"This is ridiculous. Why the hell aren't you enjoying yourself? It's not exactly like I dish out lap dances for anyone, you know!" JJ yelled.

"Actually... she does," The he/she stripper broke in. _No wonder JJ seems so familiar with this place_, Reid thought.

"Well, we'll just have to find some other way to prove to him that he likes women," JJ said. Prentiss was still shaking what her mama gave her in Reid's face. "Stop that, Em!" Prentiss sat down with her shirt mostly open and lit another cigarette. "Okay, so does anyone have any ideas?"

Everyone pondered this for a minute. "Oh, I have an idea!" Morgan said excitedly.

JJ looked at him expectantly.

"Oh, wait... They don't let me take the handcuffs after work anymore... Never mind…"

Suddenly, Garcia got an evil look in her eye. "I've got the _perfect_ plan... It's embarrassing, hilarious, and sure to out our Spencer for the obviously straight man that he is. Here it is..."

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**A/N: I hope you liked that as much as I did. I would love to hear any suggestions of things they could do to try to convince Reid that he's straight. Don't worry about them making sense, I sure don't! Seriously, I'd love to hear ANY ideas. If you reply fast enough I may even make your idea the next chapter! As always I would like to hear your general thoughts too.**

**Also, I feel I should comment on my updating schedule. I pretty much plan to post a chapter every day or two until I run out of ideas. Hence, if you give me more ideas, more chapters. Win, win! Ciao! Thanks for reading everybody. **


	3. Smore Sexual Tension!

**A/N: I'm sorry I took awhile to update this. It was a combination of being busy, and not having any ideas until today. Fortunately, I started having a lot more today. At the start, I thought this chapter was going to be crap, but I think it came out quite well. I'm happy with it.**

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Reid did up his shirt -which was still hanging open- and carried his pile of sweaters out of the strip club as the girls (and Morgan) dragged him to their next location.

"I don't get it," he said. "How is going to the mall embarrassing, hilarious, and going to prove that I'm straight?"

JJ stared him down. "Did you just admit that you're straight?"

"You know that's not what I meant!" Reid whined.

Garcia patted him on the head. "_Trust me_, it'll be embarrassing. And as for proving that you're straight? A straight man will want to leave almost immediately. With no exceptions." Morgan looked away nervously. "And a gay man will want to stay there until it closes picking out fabulous new clothes." She snapped her fingers in the air several times.

Reid thought about it for a minute. On one hand, he despised the mall, but on the other, maybe if he just rode it out, they would all shut up and leave him alone. "Okay..."

The three girls started sing Robin Sparkle's Let's Go to the Mall. "Everybody come and play, throw every last care away. Let's go to the mall, today. Today..."

Reid started to put his sweaters back on.

"NO SWEATERS!" JJ said. "Here wear these." She handed him a graffiti jean jacket and about 20 rainbow jelly bracelets. "And undo your shirt again!"

He did as he was told. JJ appraised her work. Prentiss and Garcia cooed. Morgan tried not to look directly at Reid's bare chest, but couldn't tear his eyes away.

As soon as they got into the mall, Reid was already whining. "It's loud and bright in here!"

"Do you want to go back to the strip club then?" Prentiss asked. Her hands reached over her jacket pocket containing her 4th pack of cigarettes that day.

"Do I have to touch women again, or can I just sit on Morgan's lap?" Reid asked.

Garcia frowned. "You'd have to touch women. In all their naughty parts."

**_"!"_**

"Well then shut up and get shopping!" JJ said. "Ooh! There's a sale on at the leather store! I've always wanted a leather full body suit... Angels, let's go!" The three women walked in sexy slow-mo to the store, again with JJ in the middle.

That left Morgan and Reid standing dumbfounded. "Want to find somewhere to make smores?" Morgan asked.

"_**God yes! Yes, yes, YES!**_" Reid shouted, so excitedly that everyone in the vicinity turned to see if someone was orgasming in the middle of the mall.

Unfortunately for Reid, it turned out Morgan meant actual smores, instead of the good old fashioned chocolate on white action he had been hoping for. They went to Wal-Mart and found several bags of Hershey's, graham crackers, and marshmallows, and then they went to the outdoors section, where there was a tent set up. One of the employees saw them go into the tent, but she had seen Brokeback Mountain, and didn't want to interrupt anything. It turned out to be a poor choice, because instead of humping like camels, they were starting a fire with which to make smores.

"This was a great idea," Morgan said. "Don't you love smores?"

"I _loooove_ Smores. I just love chocolate... especially when combined with something white and sticky..." Reid replied.

"Really? That's... interesting..." Morgan stared at Reid intently, leaning in...

"THERE YOU TWO ARE! I can't leave you alone for like, one second! Either of you have any epiphanies about your sexuality yet?" JJ said.

They both shook their heads.

"DAMMIT! Okay, Reid. We're going to get you to admit you're straight. And it's going to be today. So why don't both of you get up off your asses, and come to Victoria's Secret so we can get this over with! Angels! Drag these men with us!" Garcia took Reid's hand and Prentiss grabbed Morgan roughly by the wrist, giving him a death glare.

Needless to say, Victoria's Secret was Reid's worst nightmare. And apparently Morgan's too. He tried to avert his eyes from anything offensive, but this proved to be rather difficult with the tiny little lace apparel everywhere, not to mention pictures of women with big cans wearing them. He decided to focus solely on Reid. "Umm... I'm just going to go somewhere else now..."

Prentiss smacked Morgan across the face with the hand that wasn't holding on tightly to his wrist. "Don't even think about it, bitch."

"Why do I even have to be here? I have nothing to do with this!" Morgan whined.

"SHUT UP!"

JJ stood in front of the group to address them. Everyone listened immediately. They did not want to mess with a woman in six inch heels, especially one with a temper. "Okay, so here's what we're going to do. Reid, you're going to help us all pick out the perfect lingerie. Either, as a gay guy we'll see you have a flair for fashion..."

"Which isn't going to happen," Prentiss added. He may have had a cool graffiti coat and jelly bracelets at that point in the day, but she remembered the seven sweaters he was wearing earlier.

"Or, as the straight man you are, you're going to drool over this opportunity to see us in whatever you want," JJ said. In a husky, quiet voice she continued. "What _**EVER**_ you want."

Reid swallowed hard. It was going to be a difficult task. Morgan frowned. "And why do I have to be here for this?"

"You get to watch, too..." Garcia added, trying to take up the same sexy tone as JJ, moderately successfully. She licked her lips.

"Fantastic..."

Reid wasn't looking forward to this. He took a look at the racks frantically, trying to see without seeing. He pointed to something bright orange that seemed to cover all the essential parts of a woman, which was a rare sight to be seen. "You'd look good in that, Garcia. And Prentiss..." He picked out a pair of matching black bra and panties. Then he pointed at a silk nightgown. "And this for you JJ."

The three girls walked over to the changing rooms in their patented Charlie's Angel style, with the men stumbling along behind them, staring at their feet.

Garcia tried hers on first. It was a one piece with lace covering the orange cotton. The hips were cut out, but the short shorts covered up most of her ass, to both men's relief. She pulled the entire group into the tiny change room to come look at it.

"Ooh... If I didn't know any better, I might say Reid had a fashion sense! That's totally sexy!" Prentiss said.

"It is..." JJ said, slapping Garcia's ass. "Don't you think so, Reid?"

Reid was stuck. There was no good answer. "You look very... pretty Garcia, but I'm just not attracted to you."

Garcia looked down sadly, then hopefully at Morgan. "You look sexy, baby girl." Her smile returned completely. Reid looked like he might cry.

"DAMMIT, REID! Prentiss, you're up. Maybe he's more into your type..." JJ said.

Prentiss changed and dragged them all into her room. Her black bra and panties were made of leather, and had chains hanging from them. It suited her exquisitely. "Well, what do you think, scrawny bitch?" She had taken out a cigarette and started smoking.

"Like a dominatrix... But no, seriously. It does nothing for me," Reid said.

"And you?" Prentiss said to a very scared looking Morgan, licking his ear.

Morgan didn't bother trying to appease Prentiss. "I think you should go put your clothes back on." Garcia and JJ looked faintly amused. Reid brightened at this.

"_**MY TURN!**_" JJ yelled.

She emerged from the change room wearing a pink silk nightgown, the kind with a lace pattern at the top. In truth, she looked more cute than sexy, and she wasn't any less covered up than she was in the outfit she came in with. "Well?"

"You look cute. I'm still not attracted to women," Reid said.

"_JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!_" JJ yelled. "_WE'RE NOT LEAVING THIS STORE UNTIL YOU ADMIT YOU'RE STRAIGHT! I MEAN IT!_"

She was immediately made a liar out of. At that point the fire alarm rang, and a voice over the intercom told them to evacuate the mall.

"...Did we ever put that campfire out?" Reid asked.

"Nope. . We should run... now," Morgan said.

JJ threw her regular clothes (if you can call overalls and a pink feather boa regular) into her bag, as well as the lingerie Reid had picked out for Prentiss and Garcia, and they ran out of the mall.

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**A/N: I have no idea whether there are Victoria's Secrets or Wal-Mart's in malls. I was trying to pick places people from different countries would recognize. Also, did any of you get the How I Met Your Mother reference? I'm not sure if that was a good idea or not…**

**Okay, so here's the deal. I have ideas for a few more chapters, but only two more of the whole proving Reid's straight thing. So if you want more than that (I know I do) giving me ideas would be great! Seriously, I'd love ideas! No matter how crazy! Thanks much! And thanks for reading! I love reviews, they make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. **


	4. Socially Acceptable Crotch Watching

**Socially Acceptable Crotch-Watching  
****(Or alternatively Three Sexy Bitches, The Kid, and The Black Guy)**

**SPECIAL CHALLENGE!: See if you can spot the line of unusual dialogue I've actually used recently. The first person who guesses it wins the prize of picking a line of dialogue for the next chapter. No matter how disgusting, offensive, or ridiculous it is. I will find a way to work it in. Thanks for playing. ;)**

**A/N: Sorry, this is a bit of a short one. This chapter is dedicated to 68luvcarter for thinking up the idea for this chapter! You totally rock! Thanks for the idea!**

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After moving on from the mall, JJ told the group that their next choice was obvious.

"Okay, so I've got one more idea. It's time we went for the hardcore stuff. _Literally_. I know a place with the best vids."

Reid gasped. "...Are you saying what I think you are?"

The three girls nodded. Morgan looked like he didn't quite understand.

"Time for some porn, bitches!" JJ said, slapping her girls high-fives.

Apparently, going to a porn shop required that Reid add some new accessories to his look. Namely, a pimp cane and creeper sunglasses. He was thankful for the shades, so no one would recognize him. JJ stayed in her silk nightie.

When they stepped into the store, the fat old shop-keep was next to drooling. "What a nice looking group of people! Ever think about making a movie? We could call it... _Three Sexy Bitches, The Kid, and The Black Guy_."

Garcia looked quite flattered. Prentiss smoked slowly and just stared at him, unperturbed, as if she got those kind of offers all the time. Morgan and Reid's mouths hung wide open. Reid briefly considered, just so that he could get to be with Morgan. Then he remembered himself.

"Maybe later," JJ said. "First we have to rent some porn and convince _'The Kid'_ that he's straight. Then if we still have time, we could probably come back."

"Ah, so you want to convince him that he's straight... then you want the girl on girl section... Guaranteed to make any straight male's pants a few sizes too small, if you catch my drift."

The girls headed over right away. Morgan stood still and tried not to look at anything. Reid was busy staring at the cover of a movie called "_Bareback Mountain_."

"How about _Jasmine and Destiny: A Beautiful Love Story_?" Garcia asked.

Prentiss shook her head. "_Whips, Chains, and Whipped Cream_?"

JJ considered. "That's good. But how about..." She surveyed the rack and picked one. "_Three Threesomes_."

They all nodded. When they checked out, the boys were more than glad to get out of that place.

They went to Garcia's place to watch the film.

"Garcia and Prentiss, make sure he's watching the movie. I'll make sure he's enjoying it..." JJ stared intently down at Reid's crotch without blinking.

Reid shuddered. "Stop cross-examining my pants!"

"Why, are you afraid this movie might make you excited?" JJ asked.

"No!"

"Then sit still and let me stare at your man parts!"

They stayed uncomfortably like that for awhile. No one made Morgan watch the movie, so he happily took this opportunity to stare at Reid's crotch in the one instance where it was socially acceptable.

But as the movie got more intense, the three girls got interested and fell down on their duties, staring intently at the screen.

"Wow, look at what she's doing there..." Garcia said.

Prentiss scoffed. "_I_ could do that."

JJ nodded. "We could _totally_ do that if we wanted to! Am I right?"

"Totally!"

When the movie finished, the three girls tore their eyes away from the screen to realize that the boys were no longer there.

"Dammit! Where did those fuckers go?" JJ asked.

Reid and Morgan had snuck out as soon as the girls took their eyes off of Reid.

"Let's go for ice cream," Morgan had suggested.

Reid smiled. "Great. I'm going to get chocolate!"

"I've always preferred vanilla myself..." Morgan took Reid's hand and they walked down the street to get their desired ice cream cones.

Reid was in seventh heaven holding Morgan's hand and smiling like an idiot. They got their ice cream and watched each other slowly work away at it with their tongues, still holding hands.

"I'm having a really good time," Reid said, gazing into Morgan's eyes.

"Me, too. I'd much rather spend time with you, than watching porn with those women," Morgan said, smiling. "So, when are you going to admit to them that you're straight?"

Reid jerked his hand away from Morgan, angry and insulted. He had thought they were having the perfect date... Only to find out it wasn't a date at all. "Haven't you listened to anything I've said?" he asked exasperatedly. He walked faster, sulking and trying to get away.

By the time they got back to Garcia's apartment, Reid was no longer mad at Morgan. Not only did it not seem worth it, but now he had worse problems to contend to.

"WHERE HAVE YOU TWO BEEN?" JJ asked. She sounded like a mom who just found out her daughter was sneaking out with a much older guy.

"We just went for ice cream!" Reid said defensively.

Garcia sighed deeply. "This just isn't working..."

"Maybe we should just give up," Prentiss mused, nursing a cigarette.

"NO! We'll do this yet. I've still got a couple more ideas. And we still have time! Remember, Hotch said we have to convince him no matter WHAT it takes? Well, we're just going to have to step it up a notch," JJ said.

Reid gulped and looked nervously at Morgan. What could be taking it up a notch from strippers, lingerie, and porn?

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**A/N: DID I GET YOU! DID YOU THINK THEY WERE GOING TO GET TOGETHER THIS CHAPTER! Well, they didn't. Morgan is *so* stupid. Don't forget to guess what line of dialogue I've actually said! And I'm still taking more ideas. If no one gives me anymore, there will be probably be four more chapters. Please take the time to review and tell me what you think. It means a lot to me!**


	5. A Game Involving Reid, Balls and a Table

**A Game Involving Reid, Balls, and a Table  
**(Count me in, I say)

**A/N: This is my least favorite chapter yet. I wrote the first nine paragraphs whilst buzzed. I thought hey, after drinking I'll be able to write something funny. Instead, I totally forgot to write in anything funny, and concentrated on advancing the plot. I know what you're thinking. Plot, what plot? But anyway, I think I put a bit of funny in here, but it's nothing compared to the other chapters… Well I hope it's not a total disaster.**

* * *

Reid found himself smiling. Finally something that would be easy! On any other day the thought would have filled him with dread, but today this was the least disturbing thing that had happened.

"We're going to a bar," JJ had said.

"That's _it_? A bar? What's the catch?" Reid asked.

JJ smiled and slapped his cheek. "No catch. It's just a regular bar. You just have to do everything we say, okay?" She spoke maternally, which made Reid feel like he had slipped into the twilight zone.

When they got to the place, it was just a regular bar with tables, a bar, a couple pool tables, and a jukebox. The girls whispered together before issuing out any commands.

"See that girl over there?" Garcia asked, pointing to a beautiful girl. "Ask her to play pool with you."

"That's it?" Reid asked, astounded.

JJ nodded. "We thought that maybe you just don't realize your sexuality because you don't interact with many women, besides us. And we're like family, right? So maybe you'll start to like girls if you talk to them more."

"Wait... Did you just say something that made sense?" Morgan asked. It was the most confused he had looked all day. He had learned to be accustomed to a certain level of crazy.

"I know you can kick her ass at pool. RESIST THE URGE! Pretend to suck so she can help you. And when she shooting, examine her, uh, bodily assets. That's how you play pool with a woman," Prentiss said.

Reid strutted over to the girl, who was beautiful, alone, and wearing a low cut top. "Hey, baby. Wanna play a game with me involving balls and a table?"

The woman smiled for a second and then a glimmer of understanding appeared in her eyes. "_Oh!_ You mean pool! Sure. Let's start with that and see where it takes us." She winked at him.

He looked over at the girls who gave him smiles and thumbs up. Morgan was downing shots.

"You'll have to forgive me. I'm kind of new at this," Reid said.

She smiled, taking the first shot, bending down lower than necessary to show maximum cleavage. "That's okay, doll. I've got _plenty_ of experience for the both of us." She broke the balls up and sank a couple, then took another shot and missed. "I'm Beth, by the way."

Reid did his best to look inexperienced, holding his cue wrong and aiming crappy. I'm Spencer. Can you teach me how to hold a stick? I've never done it before." Across the bar, Morgan's grip on his shot glass tightened until it almost broke.

Beth stood behind him, rubbing up against his backside and helped him aim. "Not even your _own _stick?" She whispered into his ear.

He figured if he was going to do this, he might as well go for it all the way. "I'd rather you held it." His shot was entirely ineffectual, but she didn't seem to notice.

Beth made several consecutive shots. "Well then we better hurry this up."

That was when Reid thought, "_Shit! Does she actually expect me to take her home after this?"_

That was when he ran to JJ, the worst surrogate mother ever. "Jayje! This girl wants me to have sex with her!"

"Any that's a problem because?" JJ asked. "Listen, honey. There comes a time when a boy needs to become a man and has to stick his man parts in certain places of a woman. Do you need me to show you what these places are?"

Reid was having a panic attack. "_**NO!**_ You really don't think I know which parts of a woman... Never mind! That's not the point! You know why this is a problem!"

"Just tell her you'd love to sleep with her if she wasn't fat, but you don't see how you could get around it," Morgan suggested.

"Quiet you!" Prentiss said, hitting him on the back of the head.

"_**SPENCER REID!**_ You are going to go fuck that woman if I have to handcuff you both and watch to make sure you do it. Now go!" JJ said.

Reid severely doubted that, but he was scared of JJ so he made his way back to the pool table and made it look like he was really trying. He slapped Beth's ass. She giggled and stared into his eyes. Before he knew it, Reid was kissing her deeply, putting on a show for the girls. Beth was grabbing at his shirt and rolling her tongue about in his mouth skillfully. Spencer pushed her onto the pool table and just kept going. He hated every moment of it, but hopefully it would be enough to keep JJ at bay.

"Come back to my place," Beth said.

"Gee, I'd love to. If you weren't fat. But here we are," Reid said, hating himself.

Beth looked as if she was going to cry. "Is this about those girls over there?" She pointed to JJ, Garcia, and Prentiss who were smiling and laughing.

"I guess you could say that."

"Well, fuck you, Spencer! What the hell were you even trying to pull here?" She slapped him and walked out of the bar.

At this point Reid hated himself and wanted to be done with everything. "I didn't enjoy that at all. Now will you just shut up and believe me?"

The girls shook their heads solemnly.

"Okay, I've got one that sure to prove it. We might even just believe you if this doesn't work out!" JJ said.

Nothing in the world could have sounded more appealing to him at that moment (well, almost nothing) than being done with 'proving himself.' "Okay so what do I have to do?"

Prentiss whispered in his ear and all the girls laughed hysterically. Morgan looked confused.

Reid's jaw dropped. "You want me to...?"

* * *

**A/N: Well, we all lived through it. Don't worry; the next chapter will be full of crack goodness. I think it was the subject matter of this one that didn't allow me to work to my full potential. But trust me; the next one will be much, **_**much**_** better!**

**Please review… I love to hear your opinions! It also motivates me to update faster! (Although I probably won't update until Saturday. Busy happenings this week.)**

**FYI: In case anyone actually reads these author's notes and was wondering what line of dialogue from the last chapter I used in real life, it was "Stop cross-examining my pants!" But, since no one guessed, I suspect no one reads the author's notes. :(**

**OH AND NEXT TIME MIGHT BE WHEN PEOPLE START TO PUT TOGETHER THE PIECES OF THE OH, SO OBVIOUS PUZZLE! GASP!**


	6. It's Okay if You Only Rent Her Body!

**It's Okay if You're Only Renting Her Body!**

**A/N: Well, you had all better feel special! I updated this on my birthday, just for you! And because I love this story! Have fun. :)**

**Oh, and also. I feel like now's a good time to suggest that I don't recommend you do anything that happens in this story. I probably should have said that at the start.**

* * *

"_**YOU WANT ME TO BUY A HOOKER!"**_ Reid yelled once it sunk in. Everyone in the bar stared right at him.

"Actually, that would be _renting_ a hooker... You're only getting an hour out of her. And really you're only renting _her body_, not her entire being," Morgan said.

Reid pouted. "I'm supposed to be the smart one!"

"Whatever," Prentiss said. "The point is somebody needs to break you in. And since you can't seem to get a girl the normal route... I know this girl. She's a 50 buck kind of girl. More if you want the freaky stuff. I'll pay the extra if you want."

"What have I ever done that would lead you to believe I would even agree to this? Much less want the freaky stuff! I don't even know what that means! I don't want to be broken in by a_** GIRL**_!" Reid said.

Garcia looked a little nervous. "Are you sure this is a good idea, guys? I mean... Don't you think it's a bit much?"

Morgan nodded, whole-heartedly. "Yeah, come on. You've had your fun and games. Give the poor kid a break."

"We are giving him a break! We're giving him an opportunity to buy-" JJ said before she was interrupted by Morgan.

"Rent the body of..."

"-A hooker, with no social stigma! He gets to experiment with no pressure whatsoever! It's a perfect opportunity!" JJ said. Looking at Garcia, she gave a few very deliberate winks. "I don't think it's a bit much. In fact, I think it's exactly right!"

Out of nowhere, Reid found himself smiling. "And if I do this... I mean her... I mean if I rent the use of her body, will this all be over? Will you just sit back and accept me?"

The three girls nodded.

"I don't think I could accept you if you did a hooker, Pretty Boy. It totally ruins your innocent image," Morgan said.

Prentiss scoffed. "Please. It's okay if you're only renting her body. Jeez, what is this, the Middle Ages? We all have to repress our sexuality?"

"I really don't think not having sex with a whore qualifies as repressing his sexuality..." Morgan said.

Then Reid started pouting. "Why do you care about my repressed sexuality?"

"Yeah, Morgan! Tell us why you care!" Garcia said.

"Why, indeed?" Prentiss said. "Huh, Morgan?" All three girls stared him down.

Morgan sighed. "Whatever, if he wants to do that, it's none of my business."

"Okay, then. So let's get down to business! Reid, while we all go find Emily's hooker, you go buy condoms. Everyone knows that's the first thing you do before hiring a hooker! Is that better than saying 'buying a hooker'? Can I say hiring a hooker?"

"Are you hiring her to do office work or something? You're fucking renting her body! Jesus," Morgan said.

Reid made this shy look with his hands in his pockets, looking at the ground. "I don't know how! I've never bought condoms before. Morgan, come with me!"

* * *

Ten minutes later, Reid and Morgan were standing in the pharmaceutical department of Wal-Mart.

"I'm scared!" Reid whined.

Morgan slapped his ass. "You're the one who wanted to sleep with a whore, sweetheart. And you're too afraid to buy condoms?"

"I don't want to! They're making me!"

"Yeah, right," Morgan said, clearly offended. "Okay, so what size are you?"

Spencer stared at the ground. "I don't know..."

"Show me."

Reid's eye widened. "You mean with my hands?"

"Unless you want to drop trou in the middle of the store. I wouldn't mind," Morgan said.

Reid went to undo his belt buckle until a woman walked into the aisle and he lost his nerve. He put his hands out to show his size.

"_Dear God!_ How do you even fit all that in your pants!" Morgan was staring at Reid's crotch. "_Definitely _an extra large..."

The woman looked at them both very, very strangely. To Morgan she said, "That one's a keeper, honey. And the lube's in the next aisle." She winked. "Have yourselves a good time."

"Umm, thanks?" Morgan said. He clearly didn't understand the meaning in the woman's words.

Spencer leaned in closer to Morgan, touched his arm and whispered. "Yes... Let's do that instead!"

Morgan ignored him. "Which flavor do you want?"

"Whichever one you want," Reid said, batting his eyelashes.

"No seriously, just pick one."

"I want Morgan flavored," Reid replied.

Morgan examined Reid's face carefully. "Stop making fun of me and just pick a condom flavor so you can go fuck that whore!"

Now everyone in the vicinity was looking at them. Reid felt very uncomfortable. "I'm sorry... Let's go pay." He grabbed an XL in tropical beach flavor.

* * *

The boys met up with the girls at a sleazy motel. Morgan looked pissed and Reid looked sad.

"There you are! We've been waiting! Reid, meet Alexxa!" Prentiss said.

"Umm, nice to meet you?" Reid said, shaking her hand.

Alexxa was drooling. "This guy? Are you kidding? He's too gorgeous to be buying a hooker!"

"I'm only renting your body..." Reid mumbled.

"Oh, well then that's okay! Please, come in. Let's get started," Alexxa said.

The girls beamed as Morgan looked away and Alexxa dragged a very shy Reid into the crappy motel room.

"Wow, I can't believe he's actually doing this!" Garcia said.

JJ was dabbing at her eyes with a Kleenex. "I know! I mean, I always knew this day would come but still… I'm so proud of him!"

The three girls shared a hug.

"What do you think about this Morgan? Aren't you proud that he's all grown up and having sex with strangers?" Prentiss asked.

"Why would I be proud of that?" Morgan asked.

"Unless... You don't have a problem with that, do you?" JJ asked as they all eyed him suspiciously.

Morgan shrugged. "Whatever, he's a grownup, like you said. He can fuck whoever he wants."

"So you're not upset?" Garcia asked.

"Hardly," Morgan lied.

JJ sighed. "I wonder what they're doing in there... Probably the freaky stuff. Did you pay the extra, Em?"

"Of course. I'm not going to cheap out on something as important as my good friend losing his innocence!" Prentiss said.

"Weirdly, I think that's the nicest thing you've ever said, Prentiss," Morgan said.

It was exactly twenty-seven minutes after they had entered that Reid opened the door. He had lost the graffiti coat and jelly bracelets, and his dress shirt was buttoned up wrong. His butterscotch hair was a mess. On his neck was a bright red hickey. Alexxa looked unperturbed.

"What happened?" JJ asked. "You were supposed to be in there for an hour!"

"About that... turns out I didn't need an hour..." Reid mumbled.

Prentiss frowned. "You do know that you're allowed multiple entries?"

"Well, maybe I have problems getting it up!" Reid whined and then blushed. Morgan raised his eyebrow.

"Whatever, the point is, he did it. He had crazy, animal sex with a woman," JJ said.

"So what's the verdict, Spence? Straight or gay?"

* * *

**A/N: Drum roll please? I'm probably going to be a dick now and not update until Saturday. And I left you with such a cliffhanger! I'm a terrible person!**

**Okay, so last time I lied. Someone did guess! Muffins Taste Good guessed correctly! So she picked the line of dialogue: "Which flavor do you want?" Which totally inspired the whole middle section! Hear that, it was all your fault! AKA: Thank you very much! You rock! ;)**

**R&R, please?**


	7. Confusion is What Being Gay is All About

**Being Confused is What Being Gay is All About!**

**A/N: I AM SO SORRY IT TOOK ME SO LONG TO UPDATE! I said I might not update until Saturday, and here it is Monday. I was SUPER busy though. I didn't have a free minute until yesterday and it took me a long time to write this one. I hope it was worth the wait. I have a feeling people will either love of hate this one. I don't think there will be an in between.**

* * *

"Straight or gay?"

Spencer looked right into JJ's eyes. "I don't care what you think anymore. I don't have to prove myself. This is stupid. I'm just going home. I don't want to do this anymore."

"Wait, Spence! I have one more idea..." JJ said.

"I don't give a shit!" Reid said. "I'm sick of these games. I just ended up hurting people I love and feeling very, very, violated. And I don't even care what you think! You're a girl for God's sake!"

Garcia hugged Reid. "Aww, poor baby. What if we tried a new approach? What if instead of proving you're straight, we prove that you're gay? All we'd have to do would be find you a man for you to make out with."

JJ nodded. "A sexy one. Maybe a bit older. He'd definitely have a six pack..."

"Do you know someone like that, Morgan?" Prentiss asked, winking.

Spencer might not have understood the subtext, but Morgan certainly did. "Not going to happen."

Reid still didn't understand that they were talking about a certain Derek Morgan. "No! I already made out with someone I didn't love today... And someone I did," Reid looked at Morgan sadly.

* * *

It had all started that morning.

"When I'm naked and alone at night I always think of you," Reid said.

Morgan didn't know how to take that. Obviously the kid was joking. Or was he trying to prove himself? Was he actually gay?

He decided to test this theory. "That's weird. When I'm naked and sweaty in bed, I always think of you!"

Reid looked surprised and blushed. He covered up his crotch trying to be inconspicuous about it.

Maybe he is gay, Morgan thought. That was largely why he agreed to all the shenanigans the girls thought of (and thought of his strip club idea.) He had to know.

* * *

Reid's blatant flirting didn't seem to stop there. Morgan didn't know what to make of it. It was one thing when Spencer had said "Why don't you dance for me, Hot Stuff?" That could have been a joke. But it was hard for even Morgan to be able to overlook his friend stripping and dancing in his lap.

That was why Morgan got up the courage to kiss Spencer. The first attempt had been unsuccessful. They had been making smores at the time (Reid making sexual puns shamelessly) and Morgan had finally got up the courage when the girls interrupted.

The second attempt was a fair bit more successful. When the girls were watching the movie, Morgan had taken Reid for ice cream, even holding his hand. When he noticed the weird look he said, "What? If you're gay you shouldn't care, right?"

"No, I don't mind at all."

On the way back, Morgan just decided to get it out there. He meant to ask, "So you're really gay?" Unfortunately, it came out "So, when are you going to admit to them that you're straight?"

Reid got really pissed off at that and started running ahead. Morgan caught up to him and grabbed his arm.

"Hey, I'm sorry. If you say you're gay, I'll believe you, okay?" Morgan said.

Spencer stared at his feet. "Okay... So, umm, what do you think of that?"

"Nothing could make me happier," Morgan replied. He pulled Spencer in for a kiss. He meant it to be a sweet little peck, but instead Reid pulled him in even closer and prolonged the intense kiss, digging scratches in Morgan's back, never wanting to let go.

They made their way back to Garcia's, both with smiles plastered on their faces. Then JJ was asking where they had been and Reid was saying "We just went for ice cream!"

Morgan was more confused than ever, wondering why Spencer wanted to hide what they had done when he so desperately wanted the girls to believe he was gay. He guessed being confused was what being gay was all about.

* * *

Morgan was officially depressed when Reid started hitting on that chick at the bar. He was using all those stupid sex jokes he had used on Morgan. Morgan had never felt more insignificant. He had been played. Reid would flirt with anyone.

The girl wanted to sleep with him. Spencer didn't seem interested. This briefly gave Morgan a little hope. "Just tell her you'd love to sleep with her if she wasn't fat, but you don't see how you could get around it," he had said.

The hope Morgan felt evaporated when Reid pulled the woman and stuck his tongue down her throat, pushing her onto the pool table and straddling her in a display that should have been illegal to make in public. _So that's what it's like_, Morgan thought. _He'll just turn it on for anyone, that little slut._

Then the girls suggested he buy a hooker.

Morgan had tried to give Spencer plenty of outs, but he seemed intent on it. Morgan didn't want to yell at him in front of the girls. But he was pissed.

Then the two men were alone, condom shopping. Morgan tried to contain his anger. But the little slut was making it hard. How could Spencer flirt with him while buying condoms to sleep with someone else? It occurred to him that Reid wasn't interested in him in the slightest. He was being a jerk because he knew Morgan was interested. Stringing him along and laughing inside.

"I want Morgan flavored."

"Stop making fun of me and just pick a condom flavor so you can go fuck that whore!"

Reid tried to apologize. "Morgan... I'm sorry. I'm not really going to sleep with her. You know that right?"

"How could I know that? You don't seem to have a problem making out with random women. Why should it stop there?" Morgan said.

"I'm sorry. I didn't..."

"I don't want to hear about it! Just shut up, Reid. You've said more than enough," Morgan said.

* * *

" I already made out with someone I didn't love today... And someone I did."

Spencer looked at Morgan sadly, knowing he had already screwed up beyond repair, but needing to try to fix it anyway. "Derek, I love you. I'm so sorry. I know there's no excuse for what I've done today... I _haven't_ done Alexxa by the way."

Morgan eyed up Reid suspiciously. His messed up hair, hickey, and poorly buttoned up shirt made him slightly skeptical.

"It's true," Alexxa said. "I'm not actually a hooker. I'm just a friend of Emily's. She just got me to pretend so you would get jealous. I just tried to make it look convincing. Did it work?"

Prentiss nodded. "We actually believed you were straight from the start, Reid. We just thought we might use this opportunity to try to get you two together. It was JJ's idea. We got a bit carried away though..."

"We're extremely sorry! Please... Kiss and make up!" Garcia said.

"You love me?" Morgan asked.

Spencer took his hands. "I love you very much, Derek. I won't do anything screw this up again, I promise. I was an idiot."

"I love you, too," Morgan said. He picked Spencer up bridal-style and kissed him more passionately than either their first kiss or Reid's kiss with Beth.

"Aww! They're so cute!" Garcia said.

"About fucking time," Prentiss said.

"I'm so proud of you two!" JJ yelled. At this point the two men had relocated to the motel room and locked the door. The four girls listened through the door.

They were on the bed, Morgan unbuttoning Reid's shirt and kissing his chest.

"We should have done this a long time ago," Reid said, tearing Morgan's shirt off.

"We should have," Morgan said. "You looked like a douche in that graffiti coat by the way."

Spencer pulled off Morgan's pants. "I know. I totally felt like a douche all day."

Morgan in turn pulled down Spencer's pants and examined his assets. "Jesus, Christ you weren't kidding! That thing is _huge._" He reached in Reid's pocket.

"Tropical Beach flavor?" Morgan asked.

"Well maybe if you did what you were told you'd get the flavor you wanted!"

"That's okay, I wanted Spencer flavored anyway."

The girls stayed leaning against the door, although it was hardly necessary to hear the squeaking bed and the screams of pleasure from the happy new couple.

* * *

**A/N: DON'T WORRY, IT'S NOT OVER! Sorry there weren't really any jokes in this chapter. I'm not sure that was the right direction to take this, but once I got the idea in my head, I couldn't make myself do anything else! The next chapter will be full of crack goodness again. I'm thinking there will only be one or two more chapters, as much as the thought makes me totally sad.**

**Please tell me what you think of this! Go ahead, hit the review button!**

**(Oh, and if anyone was interested, JJ's 'one more idea' at the start was them going back to the porn shop and making a movie… Yeah.)**


	8. DeepSeated Issues

**A/N: OH MY GOD, I AM SO SORRY! I know it took me FOREVER to update. I'm really sorry. I just couldn't update for reasons to complicated to explain. It won't be a permanent thing. I should be back to usual. Although the next chapter will be the last and it might take me a while to may it super extra special. Just a warning. I ended up being REALLY happy with this chapter though!**

* * *

**Deep-Seated Issues**

The next day at work everything was more or less back to normal. Well, as normal as things ever were. The only difference was Reid and Morgan were sitting a fair bit closer than usual, wearing stupid smiles.

Everyone was in the meeting room, waiting for JJ to bring the next case.

"I can't believe you were in on it, Hotch. I didn't know you had a sense of humor. The cape was a nice touch," Morgan said.

Hotch smiled (yes, that is physically possible!) "I think there are _lots_ of things you don't know about me, Morgan..."

Morgan would have asked him what he meant by that if he hadn't been too distracted playing with Reid's hair.

"I think you took it a bit far though, Gideon," Garcia said.

Gideon looked entirely miserable. "What? Oh, yeah. I was _totally_ in on it. Just playing a joke on Reid..." He fought back sniffles. "Excuse me. I've got to go... call my mother and say I love her."

"Your mother's dead, Gideon," Hotch said.

"Thanks for reminding me. Go wash my car?"

"Your car's clean and you're supposed to be working."

"Rob a gas station and use the money to pick up as many fifty cent hookers as I can until I feel emotionally dead inside and forget about Spencer?"

Hotch buried his face in his hands. This was the kind of thing that he had to deal with from his co-workers every day. He had just helped two gay men realize their sexuality and how hopelessly in love with each other they were. Now he was going to have to persuade Gideon to stop 'renting the bodies' of prostitutes and sneaking into Reid's apartment when he wasn't home and stealing his underwear. He had already made a mental note to help Garcia stop stalking the team members to various degrees (her favorites were Morgan and Reid, but Hotch knew that she had even tried putting cameras in his own home. He wasn't sure, but he thought she might have been watching her female coworkers as well.) He also planned to help JJ realize she didn't have to be a stripper when she was more than financially stable. Not to mention Emily's apparent need to go out every free night and find whomever she could, take them home, handcuff them and do all kinds of unspeakable things to them. He might have to take advantage of that particular habit first before curing it.

No one else but Hotch had been listening to Gideon's shocking confession. "Fine, just go."

"So what happened with that case where the victims were tortured and burned alive?" Reid asked.

"Oh, that?" Hotch said. "I made that up. Gideon and I just took the day off to be with our families."

"Bull. Shit." Reid said.

Hotch frowned. "What's that?"

"Everyone knows neither of you give a _crap_ about your families! Don't try to feed us that bull shit!" Reid yelled; a bit too emotionally invested. Hotch mentally added Reid's deep-seated abandonment and parental issues to his list of things to fix about his team.

"Okay, fine. We were taking a knitting class. What of it?" Hotch replied.

Prentiss shook her head. "They don't offer knitting classes anywhere near here. _Trust me_, I've looked into it. It was my one big dream in life to learn how to knit. But now I have to fill my time up with... other extracurricular activities instead." She took a deep puff of a cigarette and looked at her watch, counting the hours until work was done and she could begin her 'other extracurricular activities.'

"Oh, that's so sad! You poor baby!" Garcia said, holding Prentiss close to her chest.

Emily suddenly got a devilish sparkle in her eye. "Wanna come over later, Pen? For a bit of fun and games?"

"You mean like handcuffing me naked to a chair and using a feather duster for some very untraditional purposes?" Garcia asked.

Prentiss looked shocked. "Yeah! How'd you know?"

"Just a feeling I had. Women's intuition?" Garcia said. Then in a mumble, "Not because I have cameras in your apartment or anything..."

"So what do you think about that?" Emily asked.

Garcia put a hand to her face, thinking. She preferred men, but that didn't mean the offer wasn't a bit tempting. "We'll see. I might have to have a couple of drinks first."

Prentiss sunk back in her seat, looking apparently satisfied.

"So, really Hotch. Where were you?" Morgan asked.

Hotch sighed. "Fine. I was getting a mani/pedi and having a nice relaxing day at the spa. What's wrong with that?" Everyone laughed and avoided eye contact. "As for Gideon, I have no idea." In fact, Hotch thought he had a pretty good idea of what it involved -hookers and sneaking into one Spencer Reid's apartment.

JJ walked into the meeting room. "Alright, guys. I've got a new case."

No one seemed to be listening. Prentiss was smoking and thinking of the interesting night she might have with Garcia later. Garcia was eyeing her contemplatively. Reid was on Morgan's lap and the pair were having a go at each other's mouths with fierce intensity. Hotch was staring at them and thinking "_What have I done_?"

JJ sprayed water on Morgan and Reid, as if they were cats. "_Bad!_ Not in the office! Pay attention now. There was a local case about an arson in a nearby mall..."

Morgan and Reid both turned bright red at the reminder of their little indiscretion. They hadn't thought that they might be pegged as arsonists. On the other hand, Reid thought prison might not be so bad if he had Morgan to protect him.

"But that was totally boring. On the other hand, there's a case in California where women are being stalked and attacked violently in remote locations. Their shoes and make-up are stolen. I'm not sure, but I think the attacker poses a threat to their lives."

"We'll take the case then," Hotch said. "Everyone get on the jet."

Reid whispered into Morgan's ear, his lips gently brushing the lobe. "Are you a member of the mile high club?"

"Not yet," Morgan replied seductively.

Hotch rubbed his temples. It was going to be a _very_ long day.

* * *

**A/N: Poor Prentiss, her life ambition ruined! Hope you all liked this one. Just to let you know, I do believe I am going to write separate stories about all those happenings in that big long chapter starting with "Hotch buried his face in his hands." Gideon's prostitute and underwear stealing addiction, Garcia's stalking, Emily's 'extracurricular activities' and JJ's stripping would all be different ones. Maybe even Reid's deep-seated abandonment issues. I would also probably think of one for Rossi and Elle. Maybe even Hotch. I got totally excited when I wrote this chapter and got a ton of ideas. And all of these stories will still feature Morgan/Reid as they are my favorite (the only) pairing in my life. So there will be more crack to come, even if the next chapter of **_**I'm Gay, I Swear **_**will be the last!**

**

* * *

**

So I've got A BILLION story ideas right now. So I decided I would put the ones I'm most thinking about doing first here and let you guys tell me what you think!

**1. One of the crackfics I described in the first paragraph of my author's note. Feel free to tell me which one you want me to start with.**

**2. Continuing my story Trembling Abyss. Basically for those of you haven't read it, it's a Morgan/Reid story where Morgan's past psychological trauma leads him to do something he very much regrets. (Aka Hitting poor Reid.) If I were to continue it would be going a lot deeper into their relationship and getting them to work things out slowly.**

**3. I have this idea for an AU story where some of the Criminal Minds characters are in this famous rock band. I'm thinking Morgan would be the drummer and Reid would totally be the front man. Totally an excuse to get him into leather pants and no shirt, but also it would be the kind of story with both humor and serious sorts of issues. Morgan/Reid as always. I think it might be a horribly stupid idea, but if you want me to write this one, tell me who else you think should be in the band.**

**4. A story in which Morgan convinces a reluctant Reid that they should have a child and Garcia would be the surrogate mother. It would be quite funny but not crack. I already have quite a few of the jokes planned out.**

**5. A story where Reid has a stalker and is kidnapped and some very not nice things happen to him. I know it's very typical, but every Reid fan wants to write one. And usually loves to read them. Morgan/Reid. I've got lots of ideas for this and I think you would enjoy it if the premise appeals to you.**

**6. After a particularly traumatic case Reid goes on a downward spiral and as a result quits the team. When his mental condition gets bad enough, Morgan makes the very difficult decision to put his husband in a mental institution. (I've got great ideas for this one… Chapters and chapter beautifully written out in my mind. I'm probably most psyched for this one.)**

**7. The Many Affairs of David Rossi. Read more about it on my profile page under Question 24. Basically, Rossi sleeps with A LOT of people before he finds someone he really loves. It would be funny, I guess. It's my least favorite option because it so totally isn't Morgan/Reid.**

**8. Almost forgot! I got a request to write a story where JJ, Garcia, Prentiss, Morgan, and Reid go back to the porn shop and make the movie. I would be really nervous writing **_**Three Sexy Bitches, The Kid, and The Black Guy**_**, but I have a feeling it would be very funny.**

* * *

**Okay, thank you so much for reading. And reviewing for those who did. I put up a poll on my profile page or you could tell me your opinion in a review.**

**As always I would love for you to tell me what you think. Happy Independence Day! And late Happy Canada Day for all you fellow Canadians, eh?**


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